a week to forget?i don't know

okay....this post would be real short in comparison with those previous ones...
last week was a really dull dull week for me...felt so empty, lonely, lost almost every goal in sight
i could really just visualize myself in the term.."dead man walking"....a lot of negativity of sorts..
it's just like a dark shadow covering over me...and i don't know how to get out of it...been hardly praying these days too..which means...argh!...i really dunno what to say
uncle charles came in last saturday and sunday to share with us about music, God, worship and all.it's a real encouragement...will elaborate on it later....and sunday was one of the most uplifting days of my life....in these 3 years at least!

a strange day

what a day....had a strange feeling at midnight when i was alone eating at the mamak stall having some cheese naan and teh ais...erm....it really feels as if so many people are just going off...going off especially when i'm not ready at all...in this case was gideon, even though we are not considered as one of those in the good/best friends category, i felt that i just really "lost" somebody that i sort of know...hmm....well, look at the facts...i first met him when my family and i shifted to Port Dickson in 1996....yeah...the place near the sea...hahah...he was known as this naughty young brat bullying little kids or the the young adults who were still "young at heart"...i remembered those times when he always picked on me and jeremiah...the skinny and small young guys back then....well, he certainly gains a certain amount of fear and respect from young kids..his mum kept bringing us to the pd yacht club for swimming and such.. hoping that we would bond and become best friends(at least that's what i can think of it right now) ..but it didn't really turn out that way...maybe it was the medium at home that we were conversing in?...he was more in the chinese side and i was more on the english and bahasa malaysia side...anyways, we took basic guitar chord classes from our then "only" adult musician, captain wong, who actually brought us into music...but as time passed us by....he became the church's bassist.....and i became an enthusiastic and naive drummer...i tried everything to be the best....to be better.....to not be looked down on(bad, bad, bad)....to be a professional drummer...but no exposure. gideon went on to play golf....wanting to be better.....and be professional golfer...he's famous for his famous line...."let's go for supper after youth cell"...guess that all of us from the youth will be missing that. throughout the years we gradually grew further apart other than having casual conversations on football(he got very attracted to liverpool after getting into college)....so, here we are now....worlds apart...he's in australia and i'm in cheras/port dickson....he's on his way to becoming a business degree holder and i'm walking into working life...i still feel flashes of my life hanging over my head right now....decisions being made on a day to day basis...memories from the past...
it's nice knowing him as a friend....haha...but he's a nice fella to kutuk.. hope that he will be serving God and also studying smart when he's in melbourne...sometimes i just feel why is it that i send so many people off from KLIA but have never been the one actually going on the plane(except for once but that was mainly about my dad,me n my sis were just taggin along with my mum)...but if i do, i might never fly back.

a long hard weekend

well, writing this a few hours late....nothing much is really going on in my life right now....just like a living corpse...went to taiping for the chinese new year and to sum it all up almost everything was fine and nice....except the weather....it was so hot maybe even reaching the upper thirties(in celcius)....

saturday, feb 12
went for practice in a peculiar mood...was in a very blur and casual state...but i knew what i had to do...because of a person's incapabilities,i had to take the acoustic guitar and also the bass(i really didn't know which one he was goin to play on) and tune it using the church's guitar tuner..
i, for one can't really stand being opressed on something which i have a certain amount of confidence in....particularly in music....humility is the way to becoming a better musician...but what if someone who was once your mentor but since then u have improved by a certain point in solidity and knowledge and have surpassed ur mentor by far?....i used the word by far not as a means to boast but playing 3 out of 5 chords WRONG in the whole duration of the practice....isn't that a bit way too much?he can't even tune the guitar properly and has an exuberant amount of arrogance(not being judgemental....it was pure observation) trying to lead worship leaders song by song.....this itself put me in a very distasteful mood which i knew i shouldn't continue on thinking like this if not i'll forget the importance of leading people into the atmosphere of being closer to God...but in the end i had to let it out somehow....and it landed on my dad because he's the acting music director currently(i didn't know he was in a not-so-fit healthy state so i regretted my own actions in my heart)....what a heartache saturday....

sunday, feb 13
i tried to put myself more in a worshipful manner because i know there would b lots of disturbances, technically, in music today(either the tuning would be out or he would just simply play the wrong chords, very shaky timing and lots more)....most of the time, i can take it if people who are not very skillfully equipped to play music but have that presence of humility in them and are willing to learn...but what if the person doesn't know his own faults and still leads....isn't it the blind leading the blind?....but i believe i can see(not 20-20 but at least have a certain visibility rate)...how strange is it when the blind leads the person who basically can see?...after service there was a meeting called by my dad to all musicians and worship leaders....i won't talk much but it was certainly a very heated discussion.....tension in the air...i don't really know how much i can take of this type of unnecesarry pressure.....but since i'm in this worship team, i won't give up on trying to correct the obvious technical faults....hopefully with the help of other musicians*i really mean this!*...sigh....what a day!

monday, feb 14
highlights of this day:
morning, 11.30am
met michael in the morning in woh fatt- wished him a happy birthday(haha...i still owe him
rm10)

afternoon, 1.30pm
met dr loh and philip
in woh fatt - wanted to buy me a classical guitar... haha...but i rejected the offer..
coz he liked the way guitarists play the spanish styles(such as flamenco)
on the classical....so i said since u like it,u learn it up la(i don't mind
learning it but my intention was to put me out of the question and
conversation)
5pm
went home and slept for around 3 hours
9.15pm
dinner with my sisters aletheia and eunice
11.40pm
watched "constantine" with ale and eunice. i won't say that it's a nice movie to watch...
it's a good THRILLER movie though....however the storyline was somewhat a bit unclear...anyways goin off to sleep now(4am, 15th feb)

just made it!

just made it here to this blog(previously it was an unsuccessful xanga one...you'll most probably won't be able to find it so just leave it haha)....so won't b typing for long....quite tired....addin more stuff on moday....
...in short, just came back from taiping after a very hot new year's week.....*phew*....was sweatin like mad when me n my family was there...umm....drove all the way from taiping to subang...then to port dickson....i found the whole journey boring.....driving on the highway IS BORING...but it gets you the destination much faster than usual...before the highways were built it would take roughly 8 hours for this journey....currently it takes around 4 and a half hours..ok then...gonna get some rest...need to prepare for something tomorrow.