A New Year!

Was just pondering on how the past year has gone for me..was it good, bad, ugly... or maybe great? Let me answer this question at the end of this blog;) hahah

There's a lot to tell on what has happened in the past year of 2006. I worked full-time as an office administrator at church till june 2006. After that I was jobless, insecure, vulnerable......okok, I sound a bit like a pessimist here... for a few months....was another one of those dry times in life where you don't have a clear direction and you're just looking for an open door or just a sign of affirmation to go ahead. It seems odd here that I am a pastor's son looking lost in times where I need to be certain in life (as how the world sees it). At 21, that should be the benchmark on where your plans should seem a little bit clearer than before. Headlines read... Millionaires by the age of 25, Youth pursues passion in fashion, Writer wins booker prize award...these are the people who should have already "made it" or "know what they want to do" in life.... these are the people i should emulate...or so i thought. At these dry times, I definitely knew something was definitely wrong and missing in my life. Why should I worry on what clothes i wear? Matthew 6:25-34 clears up on what I was worrying about. Why should I be so bugged by other people's achievements and wealth? Matthew 6:19-24 says:

Treasures in Heaven
19"Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal.
20But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal.
21For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.
22"The eye is the lamp of the body. If your eyes are good, your whole body will be full of light. 23 But if your eyes are bad, your whole body will be full of darkness. If then the light within you is darkness, how great is that darkness!
24"No one can serve two masters. Either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and Money.

I have already read these verses countless of times but they never meant so much to me till now. Better realizing things later never.

Matthew 6:33
But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.

Sometimes we lose focus on what really matters in life. Of course if we set our minds on achieving something, we'll be moving forward towards it at the very least. Some may gain recognition, some don't and some fail. Life goes on. I find Matt 6:24 very compelling.

" No one can serve two masters. Either he will hate the other and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and Money."

This one verse alone keeps reminding me on what matters most. Serving God. Giving of your self to your friends and neighbours. In the world; time=money. But if you're a Christian, living a life serving others in reflecting the relationship you have with God is all that matters. In His eyes; time=opportunity to serve others. Matt 6:33 states about seeking God first in everything and letting God settle the rest. In all that you do, if you have God in your heart, you'd want to do thing's with purpose. Even with a chore, like sweeping the floor (even if you're the only one, besides your mum who takes the initiative to do it) , just know that God appreciates servanthood even when you can't feel that He's there.

There were times this year where I had sinned and didn't even realize it until things happen or when situations change for the worse. That was in my case that is, different situations require different solutions. Probably God was thinking in that manner but who knows rite? I had this unhealthy-friend-relationship with a girl this year which i guess many didn't know about. Maybe some people found out but I don't really bother about that anymore. It's a past I wish would remind me always to look to Him first, trusting Him totally through all my actions and ways. This relationship started by just wanting to be a better friend....or so i thought....then there was a little bit of flirting (According to dictonary.com; flirt: to court triflingly or act amorously without serious intentions; play at love; coquet.). I'll be the first to admit that I hate playing games with girl's hearts and even hate the notion of flirting at all. All I know is that I've been tempted and I've failed. I've prayed about this relationship(about this friendship that maybe had gone a bit too close for comfort) and I've been praying for God to show me clearly....literally asking for a slap in the face to let me know that now's not the time to start any sort of BGR. God showed me and I've been hurt for quite some time. It wasn't in anyway about what happened but it was my problem personally to deal with God. If she reads this, I want her to know that it wasn't because of something happened that pulled me away from her but because it was really either not the right time or maybe God was protecting us both somehow in which I still don't really quite understand. I was definitely confused, blur(o this....I think I've been like that even before this...hehe:)...yup!), forgetful and I did feel rejected, lost and even was in denial like I kept telling my self that any sort of attraction never even took place and that it was just part of my vast imagination and dreams. It's hard to talk about things when nothing's been said and the relationship's status undefined. I couldn't be open to anyone because no one actually knows about this besides a couple of my friends. The pain after that incident was unbearable at that time where I kept reflecting on the past and what happened. After what happened, I made some sort of pledge to myself not to go on MSN msgr(fleeing away from temptation..haha) but I haven't closed the book on things yet. I was avoiding her at one point. I still needed to talk to her a little bit more clearly on what had happened and ask for forgiveness on the mistakes I've done. I approached her to talk in December. We talked....hmmm...well, I think I did most of the talking. She did respond though, and I was like "oh okay....I think you get it...yay!". After that conversation, I felt that I was free from this bondage that was hanging over me for quite some time. But the pain still stays. It's definitely a lot lesser but it's still there. I know the universal truth that time heals wounds....though no one would actually know how long this would take. It varies for different people and different situations, aye? Although I feel this is definitely a personal matter and why blog over it but I feel that the time has come to be transparent about my life. To start being accountable to God, myself and my fellow friends(fellow sounds so churchy eh?haha). Hope that this new friendship with her will be renewed under God's blessing and guidance and that we can remain cool as friends:) ~chill~ .
So, I'll still state that last year was still a great year for me...I've stumbled, got up, learned and grew a lot!

Unselfishness is a virtue of greatness- Isaac Ng(2007), Isaac and His Crapping....haha

I'll blog over my next thought some other time....but I 'll leave with the lyrics to this song, a very beautiful one. I really dig the last bridge....especially the last line:-

"He can heal your wounded soul and calm the storm inside"


Sixpence None the Richer
"WITH EVERY BREATH"
Written by Marc Byrd
duet with Dan Haseltine (Jars Of Clay)

Hallelujah from the heavens
Hallelujah in the heights above the earth
Hallelujah all His angels
Hallelujah for the last will be first
let everything that has breath praise the Lord
let everything that has breath praise the Lord

Hallelujah in the morning
Hallelujah for the beauty of His scars
Hallelujah in the twilight
Hallelujah sun and moon and shining stars
let everything that has breath praise the Lord
let everything that has breath praise the Lord

when the night seems so long (throw your hands to the sky)
you can sing a new song (wipe the tears from your eyes)
when you're weak, He is strong
He can heal your wounded soul and calm the storm inside

for all your times of laughter in every hopeful prayer
when the world weighs on your shoulders
through sorrow and your despair
with everything, with every breath, praise the Lord
let everything, that has breath praise the Lord

let everything that has breath praise the Lord
let everything that has breath praise the Lord
let everything that has breath praise the Lord
let everything,that has breath praise the Lord

when the night seems so long (throw your hands to the sky)
you can sing a new song (wipe the tears from your eyes)
when you're weak, He is strong
He can heal your wounded soul and calm the storm inside